Things That Make a Baby Cry

The meatloaf, we want it now!

I was sitting down thinking about all the things in sports that really piss me off to no end and I have a pretty decent amount, but I will list a few:

TIES– Ma! The Meatloaf! FUCK! I hate ties. No team is created equal you cud-swallowing ignoramus’s. I would rather be on the losing team than to be part of a tie. Tie=Not good enough to win, but not shitty enough to lose either. I would rather be on one end of the spectrum so I could bask in my greatness of a win, or choke the shit out of whoever is responsible for the loss.

WEIRD START TIMES: Why can’t sporting events just start at normal times like on the hour or half past the hour? 7:20? 7:40? 6:35? WTF?! The Chicago White Sox once started all weeknight home games at 7:11 pm to coincide with a 7-11 convenience store promotion! This jags up my DVR completely because it usually has on the hour and half past. This brings me to another point…

EVENTS NOT ON TIME: As if it doesn’t piss me off enough that I actually remember the shitty start time of 7:40, I sit down and the kickoff or pitch or whatever, doesn’t happen until 7:46. THEN MAKE THE START TIME 7:46 IF YOU ALREADY ARE MAKING IT A SHITTY START TIME. Oh, I see what is going on here. As soon as I turn the channel on at 7:39 to catch the kickoff or whatever at 7:40, 37 million commercials play that I give not one shit about. Levitra, Viagra, Cialis, Car, Car, Car, Car, Car, oh look one sports ad! Shiesty sly marketing bastards.

He's grabbin' my ass! Awesome baby!

DICK VITALE: If I hear Dickie V say the word Duke and it is not an ACC or Duke game, I immediately vomit my Fruity Pebbles and become upset because I have now ruined the carpet, or my dog’s fur. SHUT UP ABOUT DUKE! I know you stroke it to Shane Battier every night. It was terrible hearing about Duhon and Williams, ala this clip.

Duke is not the greatest thing since sliced bread.

John Hollinger is notorious for this. Lets say it goes something like this:   ALEX RODRIGUEZ HITS .320 WITH 2 RUNNERS ON WITH LESS THAN 2 OUTS WITH MORE THAN 1 BALL AND 1 STRIKE LATER THAN 8:55 PM WHEN THE UMPIRE WEIGHS MORE THAN 285 LBS AND THE PITCHER IS A LEFTY WHO ONLY THROWS FASTBALLS IN THIS COUNT. When in the hell is this really relevant? Once every 5 years? 

Eat my shit!

TERRIBLE NATIONAL ANTHEMS: Look, I get it. Not every sporting event can have a national country or rock artist sing the national anthem. But there are plenty of people out there who sing for churches, local choirs, etc. HOW CAN YOU FORGET THE WORDS!? Do you not practice just like you would a normal performance? You are performing in front of 40,000 people and you are going to wing it? EGO CHECK. I am not sure what the requirements are but I would at least have them send in a demo tape or something to save my ears from bleeding, and that’s after 6 beers where plenty of things sound good!…

…Well, maybe not Dick Vitale.

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