NBA; Sic Transit Gloria…

It looks as if the NBA “Labor” negotiations have finally reached a terminal velocity, with the bullshit machine finally spinning itself apart..  Everywhere, there are opinions, reactions, outrage.  While I enjoy piling on as the next psuedo-journalist, I have a slightly different outlook on the whole NBA situation.

Now move your head back and forth, right to left and back a few times.  Yeah.  That’s where I am with the NBA…

First, part of me enjoys a good come-uppance.  I cannot wait to see what happens to the senselessly lavish lifestyle of most NBA players when the faucet of easy money is closed.  Will the entourages, boats, bentley’s, house, and most importantly, ho’s, still be there with no money coming in?  I know the labor association has a war chest-so I take it means players are not just going to strip club during the day when there is no cover, but eating the questionable lunch buffet.  The NBA strike has at least benefitted one group- ugly strippers that work the lunch hours at titty bars in 30 American cities.

Second.  I don’t miss the game.  I make it a point to ignore the NBA when it is on.  I will occasionally watch the Bucks, when they are on, but after about 5 minutes of watching guys stand around with the arms half-up and walk behind their man on defense, I get irritated.  Same for throwing up a long-ass three 5 seconds into the possession.  Pardon the white guy here, but I enjoy athletics for the effort, skill and strategy.  Watch the Badgers or Golden Flashes (errr Eagles, sorry Marquette fags, errr friends) to see a real team give 100% on both of ends of the floor.  Why is this?  NBA players are basically their own bosses- if a coach were to pull a player for playing shitty defense, his runs the risk of pissing off his team.  This is not wise in a league where the average coach has the life expectancy of a roll of paper towels in a house with a teenage boy or two (see above picture if you don’t get what I mean).  How many times do you see a coach in the NBA get fired for “losing the locker room”.

Third.  A serendipitous discovery of the whole lockout is that the players may have realized that they don’t have to work to not get paid.  No running sprints in training camp, no “grueling” road trips with per deims for fancy dinners and road beef, no coach hassling you to try on defense.  Money breeds complacency and complacency breeds laziness.  In the words of a great philosopher:


“it’s better to watch stuff, then do stuff”.  I can see this sudden lack of doing stuff becoming quite popular with players.  Hell, you think Kris Humphries loved Fat Butt (Kardasiahn)?  No!  He got easy money, and all he did was put his dinger in that fat ass can a few times while he was at it.  Sure beats being the #8 man off the bench of the Rockets, Wizards, Sprockets or whoever the hell he plays for.  He sucks anyway.

Besides, watch any NBA game not in the playoffs to see how little of a fuck is given.  Most games end up feeling like watching dis-interested eighth-graders pass the time of seventh hour.  Fuck that.

Fourth.  Officiating.  The officiating in the NBA blows.  It is inconsistent, favors star players and seems to change with each game.  I am not going to mention the 1999 NBA playoffs (Bucks-Sixers) but that shit happens quite often.  If the league gave any shit about competitive honesty or fairness, they would make the officials truly impartial.  I am so fucking sick of watching asshole star players I despise get calls over guys that are actually grinding.  In other news, traveling is allowed, as long as you make a big fucking dunk at the end of it.

Good riddance, who watches this shit?  I think of sports minds I respect like Bill Simmons, and listen to him pine over the NBA.  That makes me think David Stern must have some compromising picture of him somewhere-I get being a Celtics fan, but that man truly loves the whole of this bullshit league of lazy asswipes.

NBA, Don’t go away mad, just go away.  I don’t care when you’re here, and I really don’t care about your labor equity struggles.  I look forward to not watching your league, or following your labor strife.  Because I won’t care even to stay updated.

You may have noticed a masturbation theme to this column.  Because ultimately, that’s what this all is.  Some fake stimulation to make it seem like everyone cares about the “health of the game”.  Bullshit.  This is about more money for less product (and effort), and about giving ESPN some bullshit file footage to run every night to cover the non-developments of the day.  Throw in some laziness, and hopefully America will join me in not giving a shit what happens either way with the NBA.  Besides, NBA= No Bleached Anuses?