Fantasy Football…Gamblor Style


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Why Am I The Gamblor?

I just went 116-81 in this past month’s Streak For The Cash to finish in the top 50 in the nation. I have 11 fantasy football teams. I sports bet. I’ll bet you a dollar I can eat more biscuits than you in one sitting. You better pay up, or I’ll throw these biscuits up on you for punishment since I do not have my own personal hitman guarding a gambling operation. What’s that? You want to bet me I won’t do that shot with Srichacha in it? I already drank it and expect a 5 on the table and new drink in front of me before you can say Jesus H. You want to bet this won’t be my longest article yet? Don’t, you’re going to lose this one, too.

Let’s talk fantasy football, because everyone is talking about it. We have had our annual work league draft, and it is a fiercely competitive 10 team league. Our scoring is ESPN standard. We start QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, WR/TE, TE, K, DST. The league consists of hardcore enthusiasts such as myself and Chris Meinecke to the usual Homer. I originally had the #5 pick but 3 days before the draft I heard a rumor that the current #1 did not want her pick anymore. I offered her a straight draft positional trade, and she took it. No one vetoed the swap. I have never picked #1 in a league, ever, in 11 years of playing fantasy football. I took LeSean McCoy with the #1 overall pick and I feel it was perfect, because I am the fucking Gamblor. To hell with your Foster, Rodgers, and Rice. I am going to break down this entire draft, for your pleasure or boredom. FOR YOUR INFORMATION: Trautman is the BadBaby. Fighting Squirrels are Chris Meinecke. Break this down for us, who has the better team?

ROUND 1

1 LeSean McCoy, Phi RB Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

2 Arian Foster, Hou RB Poundtown Express

3 Aaron Rodgers, GB QB Soul Glo

4 Ray Rice, Bal RB Fighting Squirrels

5 Calvin Johnson, Det WR Titletown USA

6 Drew Brees, NO QB Rambo’s Mauraders

7 Andre Johnson, Hou WR Bucky’s Bombers

8 Chris Johnson, Ten RB Tebow’s Towel Boys

9 Matt Forte, Chi RB The juggernaut

10 Tom Brady, NE QB House Soup

What do we have here? Pretty standard. Brady dropped to the 10 spot, Forte cracked the top 10 and ANDRE JOHNSON AT THE 7 HOLE?! That was a shocker. Hello hamstring, can you provide me with a full season of greatness? That would be great….thanks.

ROUND 2

11 Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR House Soup

12 Matthew Stafford, Det QB The juggernaut

13 Rob Gronkowski, NE TE Tebow’s Towel Boys

14 Roddy White, Atl WR Bucky’s Bombers

15 Marshawn Lynch, Sea RB Rambo’s Mauraders

16 DeMarco Murray, Dal RB Titletown USA

17 Jimmy Graham, NO TE Fighting Squirrels

18 Adrian Peterson, Min RB Soul Glo

19 Maurice Jones-Drew, Jac RB Poundtown Express

20 Jamaal Charles, KC RB Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

Alright so MJD drops because of the holdout, this draft was last week. MJD has now signed, holy hell the PoundTown Express gambled, and now has Arian Foster and MJD. Let’s hope that works out for him in the long run. Graham and Gronk both go in round 2, pretty standard after their respective 2011 seasons. AP also goes here in round 2, a little high, but they say he is ready.

ROUND 3

21 Greg Jennings, GB WR Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

22 Cam Newton, Car QB Poundtown Express

23 Steve Smith, Car WR Soul Glo

24 Darren McFadden, Oak RB Fighting Squirrels

25 A.J. Green, Cin WR Titletown USA

26 Jordy Nelson, GB WR Rambo’s Mauraders

27 Trent Richardson, Cle RB Bucky’s Bombers

28 Wes Welker, NE WR Tebow’s Towel Boys

29 Peyton Manning, Den QB Fighting Squirrels

30 Hakeem Nicks, NYG WR House Soup

It was bound to happen, here comes a round of reaches, and it is the 3rd round. Peyton Manning, Trent Richardson. Peyton is a legend, looks like he has returned to form, lets hope that neck holds up. Richardson hasn’t taken a snap in the NFL and has not played any preseason due to microscopic knee surgery….guess that’s a gamble even the Gamblor didn’t want to take!

ROUND 4

31 Steven Jackson, StL RB House Soup

32 Percy Harvin, Min WR The juggernaut

33 Michael Vick, Phi QB Tebow’s Towel Boys

34 Philip Rivers, SD QB Bucky’s Bombers

35 Mike Wallace, Pit WR Rambo’s Mauraders

36 Fred Jackson, Buf RB Titletown USA

37 Tony Gonzalez, Atl TE The juggernaut

38 Darren Sproles, NO RB Soul Glo

39 Victor Cruz, NYG WR Poundtown Express

40 Julio Jones, Atl WR Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

The worst pick of the draft is in this round. Tony Gonzalez in the 4th round? WHAT. THE. FUCK. Alright man, if you think he is going to be better than Julio Jones, you go for it. I got the better pick.

ROUND 5

41 Brandon Marshall, Chi WR Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

42 Dez Bryant, Dal WR Poundtown Express

43 Aaron Hernandez, NE TE Soul Glo

44 Brandon Lloyd, NE WR Fighting Squirrels

45 DeSean Jackson, Phi WR Titletown USA

46 Jeremy Maclin, Phi WR Rambo’s Mauraders

47 Michael Turner, Atl RB Bucky’s Bombers

48 BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Cin RB Tebow’s Towel Boys

49 Ryan Mathews*, SD RB The juggernaut

50 Frank Gore, SF RB House Soup

Alright so this round, typical. Turner fell like predicted because of aging, and Ryan Mathews because he is a saltine cracker in human form. I was able to take both Julio Jones and Brandon Marshall back to back, if that doesn’t spell greatness, you let me know who else does. Jackson and Maclin drafted back to back, seems about right. It’s whoever Vick scrambles and can see to throw to.

ROUND 6

51 Marques Colston, NO WR House Soup

52 Matt Schaub, Hou QB The juggernaut

53 Dwayne Bowe, KC WR Tebow’s Towel Boys

54 Owen Daniels, Hou TE Bucky’s Bombers

55 Antonio Gates, SD TE Rambo’s Mauraders

56 Robert Griffin III, Wsh QB Titletown USA

57 Vernon Davis, SF TE Fighting Squirrels

58 Eric Decker, Den WR Soul Glo

59 Demaryius Thomas, Den WR Poundtown Express

60 Eli Manning, NYG QB Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

More skeptical picks here. Owen Daniels before Antonio Gates, Vernon Davis, Jermichael Finley? WHAT. THE. FUCK. Alright more gambling from people or drugs were involved. I know we were drinking at BW3 but good god. Also, we saw Peyton’s targets go back to back here as well for equal value. I snagged Eli in the 6th, I had to take him for this value. RGIII goes in the 6th…someone thinks he will be a stud, and didn’t want to risk letting him get snagged later.

ROUND 7

61 Doug Martin, TB RB Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

62 Jermichael Finley, GB TE Poundtown Express

63 Miles Austin, Dal WR Soul Glo

64 Antonio Brown, Pit WR Fighting Squirrels

65 Ahmad Bradshaw, NYG RB Titletown USA

66 Beanie Wells, Ari RB Rambo’s Mauraders

67 Jay Cutler, Chi QB Bucky’s Bombers

68 Vincent Jackson, TB WR Tebow’s Towel Boys

69 Texans D/ST D/ST The juggernaut

70 Willis McGahee, Den RB House Soup

Sigh, someone always does this. A defense in round 7?! Look at the quality of players flying off the boards still after this round. Starters are still out there, including rookies who may start. Look alive people! I will gladly rape you all this season if you just want to hand me the league. Cutler is interesting in 7. Has Marshall and Jeffery now…

ROUND 8

71 Steve Johnson, Buf WR House Soup

72 Robert Meachem, SD WR The juggernaut

73 Reggie Bush, Mia RB Tebow’s Towel Boys

74 Stevan Ridley, NE RB Bucky’s Bombers

75 49ers D/ST D/ST Rambo’s Mauraders

76 Matt Ryan, Atl QB Titletown USA

77 Jason Witten, Dal TE The juggernaut

78 Bears D/ST D/ST Soul Glo

79 Pierre Garcon, Wsh WR Poundtown Express

80 David Wilson, NYG RB Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

Round 8, 2 more defenses. Once the first D goes, people panic, I don’t understand. There are 32 teams in the NFL, and 10 teams in this league. You can get a top 10 D later. Pierre Garcon was a great pick, he and RGIII have developed good rhythm early. Matt Ryan and Reggie Bush are steals I think as well. David Wilson will be a stud if Bradshaw goes down, he is also a change of pace back.

ROUND 9

81 Reggie Wayne, Ind WR Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

82 Ben Tate, Hou RB Poundtown Express

83 DeAngelo Williams, Car RB Soul Glo

84 Isaac Redman, Pit RB Fighting Squirrels

85 Darrius Heyward-Bey, Oak WR Titletown USA

86 Mason Crosby, GB K Rambo’s Mauraders

87 Eagles D/ST D/ST Bucky’s Bombers

88 Kenny Britt, Ten WR Tebow’s Towel Boys

89 Sebastian Janikowski, Oak K The juggernaut

90 Tony Romo, Dal QB House Soup

HOLY DOG SHIT, 2 KICKERS IN ROUND 9???????? Thanks for the free position pick. Another D. And then some great picks. Reggie Wayne is a steal, he will hook up with Luck. Ben Tate was handicapped by the correct team, and I love Romo in the 10th to backup Brady for that team. What happens if Brady falters or vice versa? No problem all season here.

ROUND 10

91 Jonathan Stewart, Car RB House Soup

92 Torrey Smith, Bal WR Fighting Squirrels

93 Brandon Pettigrew, Det TE Tebow’s Towel Boys

94 Denarius Moore, Oak WR Bucky’s Bombers

95 Justin Blackmon, Jac WR Rambo’s Mauraders

96 Shonn Greene, NYJ RB Titletown USA

97 Mark Ingram, NO RB Fighting Squirrels

98 Lance Moore, NO WR Soul Glo

99 Cedric Benson, GB RB Poundtown Express

100 Titus Young, Det WR Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

Move along, nothing to see here. Well, maybe. Shonn Greene is a starter….on a terrible Jets team that is apparently going to throw a ton now because they still think Sanchez is some kind of god…smh.

ROUND 11

101 Jacob Tamme, Den TE Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

102 Malcom Floyd, SD WR Poundtown Express

103 Anquan Boldin, Bal WR Soul Glo

104 Alex Smith, SF QB Fighting Squirrels

105 Fred Davis, Wsh TE Titletown USA

106 Rashard Mendenhall, Pit RB Rambo’s Mauraders

107 Stephen Gostkowski, NE K Bucky’s Bombers

108 Donald Brown, Ind RB Tebow’s Towel Boys

109 Packers D/ST D/ST The juggernaut

110 Ravens D/ST D/ST House Soup

2 more D’s off the board…and there were still starters here being drafted…I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. Donald Brown in the 11th…now thee man in Indy, good pick!

ROUND 12

111 Santonio Holmes, NYJ WR House Soup

112 C.J. Spiller, Buf RB The juggernaut

113 Andy Dalton, Cin QB Tebow’s Towel Boys

114 Jared Cook, Ten TE Bucky’s Bombers

115 Kendall Wright, Ten WR Rambo’s Mauraders

116 Seahawks D/ST D/ST Titletown USA

117 Nate Washington, Ten WR Fighting Squirrels

118 Michael Bush, Chi RB Soul Glo

119 Andrew Luck, Ind QB Poundtown Express

120 Carson Palmer, Oak QB Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

Carson Palmer, Red Rifle, Andrew Luck. Interesting QB picks here…all potential exploders.

ROUND 13

121 Jermaine Gresham, Cin TE Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

122 Martellus Bennett, NYG TE Poundtown Express

123 Robbie Gould, Chi K Soul Glo

124 Steelers D/ST D/ST Fighting Squirrels

125 Coby Fleener, Ind TE Titletown USA

126 Ben Roethlisberger, Pit QB Rambo’s Mauraders

127 Roy Helu, Wsh RB Bucky’s Bombers

128 David Akers, SF K Tebow’s Towel Boys

129 Laurent Robinson, Jac WR The juggernaut

130 Garrett Hartley, NO K House Soup

ROUND 14

131 Brent Celek, Phi TE House Soup

132 Peyton Hillis, KC RB The juggernaut

133 Falcons D/ST D/ST Tebow’s Towel Boys

134 Mike Williams, TB WR Bucky’s Bombers

135 Lions D/ST D/ST Rambo’s Mauraders

136 Michael Crabtree, SF WR Titletown USA

137 Dan Bailey, Dal K Fighting Squirrels

138 Joe Flacco, Bal QB Soul Glo

139 Matt Prater, Den K Poundtown Express

140 Jaguars D/ST D/ST Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

ROUND 15

141 Rob Bironas, Ten K Col. Trautman’s Traumatizers

142 Giants D/ST D/ST Poundtown Express

143 Chiefs D/ST D/ST Soul Glo

144 Jets D/ST D/ST Fighting Squirrels

145 Alex Henery, Phi K Titletown USA

146 LeGarrette Blount, TB RB Rambo’s Mauraders

147 Sidney Rice, Sea WR Bucky’s Bombers

148 Randy Moss, SF WR Tebow’s Towel Boys

149 Neil Rackers, FA K The juggernaut

150 Kyle Rudolph, Min TE House Soup

Now as we all know, the late rounds are a crap shoot. There is simply no reason to be picking a kicker higher than the last round of your league. In this case, it’s the 15th round. It’s a special time of year when we get to enjoy the foozeball, and fantisize about it at the same time. Oh and for a side note, I’m about to go 11-0 for the opening week with all of my fantasy teams. Suck it bitches!

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