Sure Nintendo struck gold in ’87 when they released the underdog story of a tiny boxer going up the ranks against a bunch of squirrely opponents until finally locking toe-to-toe or blow-for-blow with Iron Mike, but with today’s standards for substitute “squirrely” characters, the cast would be laughable at best. Continuing star-power phenoms Justin Bieber and Harry Styles would be closer to slap-for-slap with one of boxing’s all time greats rather than anything else. The two of them could attack Tyson, even in his now current delirious state of mind, at the same time, and if they were lucky, would be able to go the whole round without accidentally punching each other. It’s a shame to when society’s idols (maybe? Give me idols for at least teens and pre-teens) seem so weak around the edges.
by Matt Cassista
It doesn’t stop there though. All your opponents in the original 2D prize-fighting game were based on fairly stereotypical people in society. If I just locked up todays dominate music world, who would be opponent number 2? Glad I got your mind there because obviously it would have to be some over the top biker dude. I’m talking leather jackets and bandanas and at minimum at least one skull placed somewhere on the outfit. I’m sure the cast of Pawn Stars knows a thing or two, but protecting themselves (see Chumlee.) but trust me, no group of biker misfits could dance with Tyson even if they dreamt they could the night before.
The good news is that all hope isn’t lost just yet. This next obnoxious media-hog could pose a possible threat for “ole baby eater.” I’m talking about Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. That’s right; this mother-tanning fuhrer is at least present in the wait room. He has the body to do it; find me one woman (or man sadly) that hasn’t seen his stomach. Unfortunately for him, he’s ugly and stupid and as soon as he gets inside Mikey’s reach he’s eating glove. Mr. Tyson would put that tv-cancer to the ground in minutes. Don’t act like Mike doesn’t still got it, I’ve seen the Hangover. His right is just as strong as ever.
With that said, there is no way Nintendo could ever duplicate their old legend with today’s standards. It’s cliché to say the people of today are not the same as yesterday, but nothing could be more true. We just have to live with it I guess. Keep Beliebing, or whatever else we are doing now-a-days (Tebowing is done right?). There’s no shortage of entertainment that’s for sure.